just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
