So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
