I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
