Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
