I want to walk on stilts...naked
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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