it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
