Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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