Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
