we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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