I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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