You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
