i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
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It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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