My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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