He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think I won the penis lottery.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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