The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
