do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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