im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
