i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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