I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Randomize
