i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
