Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
