Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
