remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
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I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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