So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
