I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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