im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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