i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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