the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
