god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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