she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
