as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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