I cannot find my penis.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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