im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.