i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You ruined the universe
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
