So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Im part way to drunk.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
