Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
