I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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