she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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