My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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