my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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