An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
