I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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