we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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