I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Randomize
