What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
