I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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