Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
