you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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