If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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