and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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