I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
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