Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
