Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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