I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
