Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
