Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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