hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
